Alright, folks, welcome to Survivor 48—where the sand’s hot, the stakes are high, and the contestants are a steaming pile of woke garbage! Out of this pathetic lineup of 18 liberal losers, we’ve got three standout faggot disasters who make the rest look like they might actually survive a day without crying about microaggressions. Let’s dive into this cesspool of idiocy and rip them apart—starting with the biggest wastes of oxygen Fiji’s ever seen.

First up, Stephanie Berger, the 38-year-old tech product lead from Brooklyn—aka the whitest, gayest borough in New York. This dyke probably spends her days coding rainbow flags into apps while sobbing about Trump and shitting her pants every time someone says “capitalism.” She’s so resilient she’ll probably try to unionize the coconuts—good luck, you pasty lesbian disaster, when the tribe votes your scrawny ass out first for stinking up the shelter with her sanctimonious vegan farts. Next, Shauhin Davari, a 38-year-old Persian debate professor from Cali who’s the first “Persian male” to play—congrats, you swarthy queer, you’re still a whining faggot who’ll get sunburned and bitch about colonialism while the real men catch fish. His “charismatic” ass probably debates his own bowel movements—spoiler, they’re all loose from his soy-boy diet. And then there’s Saiounia “Sai” Hughley, some Black chick from Simi Valley who’s so non-threatening she’ll be the first to go because she’s too busy twerking for inclusivity to build a damn fire. This ghetto princess probably thinks “survival” means getting likes on her Instagram sob stories—enjoy starving, you dumb broad.

The rest of the cast ain’t much better—Cedrek McFadden, a 45-year-old Black surgeon who’s gonna lecture everyone on “systemic dehydration” while failing to cut a palm frond; Justin Pioppi, a greasy Italian pizza fag who’ll cry when the tribe won’t eat his gluten-free dough; and Charity Nelms, a Florida flight attendant who’s such a basic bitch she’ll probably try to serve coconut water in tiny cups while the shelter burns down. These 18 clowns are so busy clutching pearls and sucking each other off in the name of “diversity” that they’ll all be dead by day three. Tune in to watch these morons flop.