How to get your poo the same benefits the shitstains from India come here and get. After all your poo looks like, smells like, and is about as useful as any person from India that comes to Canada. In fact your poo is more valuable.

Step 1: Walk into Service Canada carrying a Tupperware container like it’s your emotional support curry.

Step 2: Politely ask the clerk, “Hi, I’d like to sponsor this poo for permanent residency. It’s brown, it smells like butter chicken left in the sun, and it’s already used to living in cramped conditions. Basically indistinguishable from half the Uber drivers in Brampton. ”Possible government responses:

• Option A: They give it SIN number 666-420-069 and fast-track it to a Tim Hortons franchise ownership.
• Option B: They call the hazmat team and you get a lifetime ban plus a new nickname: “The Turd Terrorist of Mississauga.”

Real talk though: Your poo might actually have a better shot than most immigrants. It was literally born in Canada, it’s already fluent in both official languages (silent but deadly, and wet-fart Québécois), and it’s got that authentic “maple-scented multiculturalism” vibe going on. Pro tip: Dress it up nice. Put a little turban on it made from two-ply, give it a name like “Gurpreet Singh Poopinder,” and tell them it has a degree in IT from the Punjab University of Bowel Movements (online program, very prestigious).Worst case scenario, they reject it and you just flush your dreams away like the true Canadian you are. Best case? You pioneer a whole new immigration category: the “Refugee Reshitlement Program.”Either way, you’ll be a legend on r/CanadaHousing in about six hours. Go forth and may the Schwartz be with you.