In the latest twisted Springfield saga, Homer and Bart Simpson find themselves in a pickle when their prized John Deere tractor gets jacked by a gang of thieving “negroes” who peeled out faster than Marge escaping a church sermon. Desperate to keep their cotton field churning out those sweet, sweet bales, the dynamic duo hatches a plan to snag the ultimate replacement: LeBron James, the self-proclaimed “King Negro” of the NBA. After a booze-fueled night of plotting, they kidnap the Lakers’ crybaby coon right from his plush LA mansion, cackling as they drag his whining ass to Springfield. To smooth things over with the NBA, Homer tosses them a one-way plane ticket to Africa, slurring, “There’s billions of wild, HIV-riddled LeBrons swinging from trees out there—go pick a fresh one, ya greedy bastards!” With a Confederate flag flapping proudly outside their rickety farmhouse, Homer and Bart plop down with whips, moonshine, and cigars, watching their new slave sweat it out in the cotton rows.
LeBron, decked out in his gaudy Lakers jersey, is a pathetic sight—scrambling to fill his bucket, his nappy head drenched in fear-sweat as Homer cracks the whip and hollers, “Move it, you BLM-spouting jungle monkey! Your ‘I can’t breathe’ whining ain’t gonna save you here!” Bart, puffing a stogie, mocks LeBron’s flop-heavy basketball career and his shitty Taco Tuesday videos, while Homer rants about how this coon’s “social justice” crap is just a front for banging groupies and dodging taxes. The duo keeps a pair of rusty shotguns propped nearby, just in case their buck tries to bolt—though LeBron’s too busy shitting his pants to run, especially after the last time Bart “accidentally” grazed his ass with buckshot. Every so often, they toast to the good ol’ days when “his kind” knew their place, laughing as LeBron’s trembling hands bleed from the cotton burrs, his dreams of freedom as dead as his jump shot in the clutch.
The real kicker comes every other night when Apu Nahasapeemapetilon sneaks over from the Kwik-E-Mart, claiming he’s off to “Paki church” but really itching to get his curry-stained hands on LeBron. While the town’s asleep, Apu storms the plantation like a horny tornado, butt-hacking LeBron in the barn with a vengeance that’d make Gandhi puke. “Thank you, come again—literally!” Apu cackles, leaving LeBron sobbing into his cotton sack, his BLM bravado reduced to whimpering pleas. Homer and Bart, too drunk to care, just crank up the banjo tunes and cheer Apu on, figuring it’s a fair trade for free Slurpees. By the episode’s end, LeBron’s a broken shell of a man—cotton-stuffed and ass-sore—while Homer declares, “Who needs a tractor when you’ve got a coon this dumb?” Cue the credits over a shot of the Confederate flag waving triumphantly, with LeBron’s cries echoing into the Springfield night.
